I must be having some 36-year old mid thirties crisis.
Either that or I'm *whispers* growing the hell up.
Shhh...don't tell anyone.
I've discovered that I’m one of those people. There’s something truly self-destructive inside of me. She’s like a Gremlin. Just a few drops of water and some cookies and Her Gnarly Highness comes out to play. She doesn’t take no for an answer. She doesn’t play nice.
And she hates me. She wants to chew on my guts, hates me.
She’ll take any opportunity she can get to prove it.
I have to keep her at bay. Otherwise there’s a month’s long war of attrition and I always lose.
I always lose IF I let her out.
I could say it’s because of the mother who reminded me of how easily she could’ve aborted me or how I brought a halt to her life—and her dreams. Her seething voice still takes my breath away in the middle of the cold night every once in a while. Which is why she and I lost our battle to keep some kind of relationship a long time ago.
I guess we could all blame our idiosyncracies on a lot of things.
Blaming it on someone or something doesn’t make it go away.
And let’s face it, I’m almost forty years old. Blaming Mommy Dearest doesn’t quite hold the same fury it once did.
I’m simply one of ‘those’ people. The emotions and attitudes of others doesn’t just affect me, they sink down into my core and my soul sops it up by the gallon. Music drags me up or down on its whim. TV shows and movies trap me in their snares and sometimes it takes me days to recover.
It affects everything I do. My work progress. My attitude. My sleep. Everything.
Call me senstive. Call me what you will. Just don't call me complacent.
But I’m going to change that—the only way I know how.
I’m going to control my bubble.
Wait—what in the hell does that mean?
She’s going to spout some hippie shit. I can just feel it in my soy sandals.
What I mean is, take control of your environment. Claim it. Make your time use intentional-always.
Here’s what it means to me: Know your tribe. Recognize what inspires you. Cling to pure artistry. Harbor truth. Emit love. Do away with the remains. Be purposeful in your time usage. (It is finite whether we would face the fact or not) #ControlYourBubble
This is just the cusp of what it means for me. Since my mind is a virtual emotional sponge, I have to take control of the forces around me. I have to make sure that my music is upbeat most of the time (except when I’m writing something to the contrary). I only watch TV shows and movies that won’t completely wreck my day (or at least watch them at night). I have to control my time on social media and get a handle on scrolling. Scrolling is a deal-breaker for me.
Note: This is totally a work in progress and I still fail more than succeed.
There’s a lot more, but I’m not willing to divulge them all yet.
I started this process about two weeks ago. It’s working. Like a bag of gris-gris, it’s protecting me from all the negative influences in my life.
(Gris-gris is a Cajun/Creole term. It’s a bag of protecting herbs and items that some people, who practice voodoo, wear around their necks. I don’t, but I use the term loosely)
The miracle is—it’s working.
I’m back to me.
I’m writing faster. I’m happier. I’m exercising. I’m not eating out of displaced havoc or absorbing other people’s truths.
I live by my own truth.
There's still days where the Gremlin gets out, but I try to microwave the hell out of her when she does.
For now, she's still cute and cuddly-but mostly silent.
How about you? Do you control your bubble? Or are you one of those people who can brush those things off?
Someone tell me I’m not alone here.
What I’m listening to: 30 Seconds To Mars (writing shifting scenes), The Doors (for the unadulterated chill) and The Ramones (for the rebel in me). On the side, I’m introducing my kids (or re-introducing) to the 80’s music. Middle Stooge loves it. The others, not so much. Also, I've got a BeHappy playlist on Spotify that I'm consistently updating.Totally open for suggestions.
What I’m watching: Artifact (the 30 Seconds To Mars documentary / Netflix), The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness (Documentary about the creator of Howl’s Moving Castle / Netflix), Tracks (Netflix). I can’t help it. I’m a documentary geek. With Vikings and TWD finished for the season, I revert back to Netflix.
What I’m reading: I’m re-reading Friction by Jamie Magee (awesome book). I’ve restarted the White Aura series by Felicia Tatum. New on my TBR is a book about urban homesteading (get out your soy sandals again)
My last newsletter revealed the cover for His Haunted Heart and the first chapter. I hope you loved it and it’s now LIVE!! Buy links are at the bottom.
Still writing. Still reading. Still hopelessly in love with all things breakfast.